Depression Smoothie

It has been sixteen months since my last blog post.  Sixteen months!  That is quite a stretch of time to be MIA, I know.  I wish I could tell you I was off traveling and exploring the world or working on some exciting new project.  Sadly, I cannot.

It has been a nauseating rollercoaster ride living in this time of a pandemic, social unrest, and political divide.  Throw in some personal loss and grief, processing of past traumas, and extreme stress at work, and you have all the ingredients for a depression smoothie.  

The past year and a half has been hard, and at times, simply unbearable for me.  I know it has been for everyone, in our own unique ways.  

In 2020, the pandemic hit, I became isolated.  I lost my paternal grandmother in November, and I lost my dad on New Year’s eve.  We purchased our home in the middle of all of that.  In 2021, my husband and I both got sick with COVID in January, and my illness resulted in a trip to the ER and a diagnosis of pneumonia.  My husband lost his job and we were without his income for a few months.  We lost my husband’s uncle in July.  In August, we lost my husband’s paternal grandmother, I had to make the heartbreaking decision to put my nineteen year old cat to sleep, and our son started high school and was quarantined after only two days in class.  I have been faced with countless frustrations and stressors in my leadership role at work, and my less-than-perfect performance over the past year has resulted in some unpleasant outcomes and conversations.  

In the spring and summer of this year, the weight of all I was carrying nearly crushed me.  I was irritable and responded to others in ways that were hurtful and ungracious.  I shut down and binged watched television, staying up too late to get adequate sleep, in an effort to avoid the difficult emotions I was feeling.  I defaulted to fast food and a messy house, because depression robbed me of the energy and motivation to manage the simple tasks of cooking and cleaning.  I contemplated quitting my job.  I battled self-sabotaging behaviors and scary dark thoughts.  

I was barely making it through the day, merely existing.  

My default trauma response has always been to white knuckle my way through hard times, depriving myself of the opportunity to feel and process what I am experiencing.  A lifetime of practicing this unhealthy coping mechanism eventually forced me to evaluate my past and how it has continued to dictate my present.  When I lay out all that I had endured in such a short time, the guilt of being unable to carry it all lifted.  Why wouldn’t I be depressed?

In July 2020, I engaged in counseling, and my therapist has regularly assessed my depression and anxiety scale.  As time went on, my depression continued to increase.  No amount of talking it out or praying could pull me out.  So, after several failed medication trials due to severe side effects, I completed a gene site test to determine the best medications for my body.  I tried my fourth or fifth medication, determined to give it a full two weeks.  I suffered through seven miserable days of side effects, and it worked!  I started on the very lowest dose possible, so I am still working to find the best therapeutic dose, but I did begin to lift out of the depression.

With the proper medication on board, ongoing therapy, renewed focus on God, and disciplined writing habits, my hope has been restored.  (Yes, I said disciplined writing habits, meaning I intend to regularly publish blog posts moving forward.)  I can laugh and experience joy.  

I can look to the future and dream big!

It took me sixteen months to see the light again, not because I wasn’t desperately trying, not because my family and friends were unsupportive, and not because God abandoned me.  Despite the darkness, I kept showing up to work, to Bible study, to outings with friends, to activities with my family.  I kept fighting even when I felt like I had no fight left in me.  I don’t know why it took sixteen months.  What I do know is that God used that time to grow me.  He used that time to teach me that it’s ok to not be ok sometimes.  He used that time to show me that even when I’m unlovable, I am loved.  

Friend, if you are in that dark battle with depression, grief, heartache, or uncertainty, even if your thoughts are telling you that you are unworthy or forgotten, don’t give up!  Fight!  Ask for help.  Lean on God.  Dump that depression smoothie down the drain and drink from the well of living water!

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 

YOU ARE SEEN. YOU ARE VALUED.  

YOU ARE LOVED! 

If you are having suicidal thoughts, talk to someone and ask for help.  

ISSP: Indiana Suicide Prevention

Crisis Text Line 

Text HOME to 741741