My Calcified Heart

Have you ever wondered if bitterness or unforgiveness could physically harden your heart?  Did you know the aftermath of trauma can cause physical manifestations like pain or ailments?  I can say from experience, it absolutely can and does. 

In January of 2021, I contracted COVID.  For the first week of my illness, I tried to power through and work half days in a feeble attempt to avoid falling behind.  I quickly found that despite my strong work ethic, the COVID fatigue was stronger.  By the end of the second week, my oxygen levels waned between eighty-eight and ninety-two.  While taking a shower, I became extremely lightheaded and nearly passed out.  After taking multiple breaks, I was able to get dressed and back into bed.  When I shared my near fainting experience with my husband, he bullied me into going to the hospital.  At that time, only patients could go back, so I was left to go alone.

Once I had explained my symptoms and had my vitals taken, Imaging wheeled me back for a CT scan with contrast of my lungs.  I had never had the contrast dye before, and as I arrived back in my room, my face began itching and breaking out in hives.  I called the nurse, and I was promptly given a very large dose of Benadryl in my IV leaving me very nauseous and woozy.  The CT scan revealed I had “COVID lungs'' and pneumonia.  However, because my oxygen levels were staying above ninety, I was sent home (against my husband’s protests) with only a prescription for albuterol.  

The physician’s assistant in the ER told me they found something else on my CT scan just below my heart. 

She believed it was an arteriovenous malformation or AVM.  She said I may have a disorder that would suggest that I have other AVMs throughout my body.  She said if that was the case, I would need to follow-up with a cardiologist, gastroenterologist, and neurologist for further testing and scans.  I felt awful from COVID, and I was already upset that my husband pushed me to go to the ER, and now I may have some disorder and need surgery or other treatment for the rest of my life?  This was shaping up to be quite the hospital visit.

When my COVID symptoms finally subsided, I followed up with my nurse practitioner who referred me to a cardiologist to review my scans.  I finally met with the cardiologist in April, but he was unsure of what he was looking at on my CT images.  He said it could be an AVM or it could be a tumor.  At this point, I wasn’t sure which would be better.  

The doctor informed me that if it was a tumor, it was likely benign.  “Ok,” I thought.  “I can deal with that.”  Although, I secretly wanted to say in my best Arnold Schwarzenneger impression, “It’s not a tuma!”  

The cardiologist decided he needed to call up a radiology pathologist for another opinion.  While sitting in the room contemplating what my future may look like, I heard things like, “Have you ever seen anything like this?”  “Pretty interesting, huh?”  The doctor returned to the room and told me they would call me to schedule more testing, as they thought they may need more targeted imaging, or he may have to refer me to a different specialist if surgery was needed.  

I left the office with more questions, confusion, and worry than when I had walked in.

Fortunately, at about 5:30pm that evening, I got a call from the cardiologist’s nurse.  The radiology pathologist confirmed that it was not an AVM or a tumor. Praise God! 

The mysterious structure was calcification.  

They couldn’t say how or why this calcium structure formed just below my heart, but I was told there was nothing more I needed to do, and it would not cause me any problems.  I was filled with relief, but I still had so many questions.  How did my body create this?  Why did I need to discover it?  What caused it?  Are they sure it is fine?

As I reflected more, I thought about what calcification is.  It is a build-up of calcium that causes tissue to harden. 

I literally had an extension of my heart that was hardened. 

Could this be a physical manifestation of an emotional and psychological experience such as a trauma?  

In Bessel Van Der Kolk’s book The Body Keeps the Score, he addresses how trauma can affect the body:  

"Adrenaline is one of the hormones that are critical to help us fight back or flee in the face of danger. Increased adrenaline was responsible for our participants’ dramatic rise in heart rate and blood pressure while listening to their trauma narrative. Under normal conditions people react to a threat with a temporary increase in their stress hormones. As soon as the threat is over, the hormones dissipate and the body returns to normal. The stress hormones of traumatized people, in contrast, take much longer to return to baseline and spike quickly and disproportionately in response to mildly stressful stimuli. The insidious effects of constantly elevated stress hormones include memory and attention problems, irritability, and sleep disorders. They also contribute to many long-term health issues, depending on which body system is most vulnerable in a particular individual."

Could the constant elevated stress hormones from my unresolved traumatic experiences have caused my heart to literally harden?  While I cannot prove with scientific certainty that my unique physical condition was caused by my trauma, I do believe that the trauma I experienced set the stage for my body to create this calcification. 

What an incredible parallel!  We often attribute an emotionally hard heart to our past experiences, hurts, disappointments, and rejections.  It is logical to trace a hard heart back to significant moments of pain.  We build invisible walls to protect ourselves from the possibility of experiencing the same pain.  In doing so, we allow bitterness to make deposits around our heart. 

Eventually, the bitterness solidifies and the heart is hardened.  

In Ephesians 4:18-19, Paul wrote to the Ephesians warning them of how ignorance and hard hearts separated the Gentiles from God.   

“They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, and they are full of greed.”

For decades, I prided myself in the barrier I had built up.  Brick by brick, I continued to erect a thick barrier around my heart.  I was desperate to protect myself and ensure no one could get close enough to hurt me.  No one could be trusted.  Just the thought of allowing others to know the truth of my past and the darkness I lived in evoked anxiety and fear.  

In my attempt to protect myself in my own strength, my heart was hardened, causing me to alienate myself from God.

Paul goes on to share how Christ followers are to live in Ephesians 4:31-32.

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”  

Well, that’s a hard pill to swallow.   Release my bitterness and anger?  Forgive? That feels dangerous, risky.  To be honest, every fiber of my being fights me in accepting this truth.  Yet, this is the character of Christ, whom we are called to follow and emulate.  

We can’t expect to receive all the goodness God has for us, if we continue to cling to our bitterness and anger.

It has been a full year since my serendipitous CT scan discovery.  Is the calcification below my heart still there?  I assume it is, but my emotional and spiritual heart has softened.  Through therapy, writing, and prayer, I have allowed God to chip away at my hardened heart. 

I still have healing to do and bitterness to release, but I can say with confidence,

the journey and the excruciating pain of being chiseled by God is worth every tear shed.

In case you were curious what my mysterious calcification looks like, here is the image: