#metoo

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**Trigger Warning: This post includes subject matter about sexual assault and abuse that may be triggering to some readers. Take care of yourself if you choose to read.**


The #metoo Facebook post I made on October 16, 2017 received ❤️❤️two heart emojis, 😢😢two sad face emojis, 👍one like emoji, and two comments.  Of my several hundred Facebook friends, I received acknowledgement and support from only five. 



Maybe my post wasn’t seen by all my Facebook friends based on algorithms.  The post had no other context, so perhaps, people didn’t know what it meant.  There are many variables that may have been factors in why the post received minimal interaction.  My gut says otherwise.  


I believe the reason so few reacted to my #metoo post was because it made them feel uncomfortable.


Our American culture values comfort.  Fast food, grocery delivery service, spa pampering, and every indulgence you can imagine are only a transaction away, keeping us in our comfort bubble.  So, when faced with the hard stuff, the uncomfortable, the unimaginable, the default reaction is to turn away.  We don’t want to acknowledge the bad behavior of others, because maybe we behave that way too.  We don’t want to admit that these awful things happen right under our noses or in plain view.  It’s easier to look away than to look a victim in the eye and see their pain.


The point of the #metoo movement was to illuminate the prevalence of sexual harassment and sexual assault, especially among women of color, and demonstrate its magnitude and far reach in our society.  During the movement, women (and some men) shared their stories of sexual harassment and sexual assault across social media platforms, offered support to one another, and found they were far from alone in their experiences.  Some, like me, had yet to find the courage to share their story, but mustered just enough courage to post the hashtag.


It has been five years since the #metoo movement of 2017.  In that time we have seen many celebrities convicted of sexual assault crimes and watched the unfolding of high profile sexual abuse cases.  Names like Jeffrey Epstein, Ghislaine Maxwel, Larry Nassar, R Kelly, Bill Cosby, Danny Masterson, and Kevin Spacey are now synonymous with sex scandals.  


Is that progress?  Maybe.  Or maybe we are just hearing more about what was already happening.  It’s like the philosophical “If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound?” debate.  If sexual assaults are not sensationalized in the media, did it really happen?  Does it even matter?  It is difficult to gauge if more victims feel empowered to come forward and hold their abusers accountable or if the media is simply exploiting the stories that were once glossed over.


Did the #metoo movement accomplish what it set out to do? I suppose in some ways it did.  It brought awareness and demonstrated how prevalent sexual harassment and sexual assault truly is in our culture.  It provided community to victims and reassured them that they were not alone.


I struggle to see significant change in America’s rape culture and comfort culture.  


Victims continue to face scrutiny under the public eye.  They are put on trial for wearing clothing that is “too provocative”, drinking too much, and “asking for it.”  Victim blaming releases the abuser from any accountability and infers they were only minimally, or not at all, at fault. After all, it is more palatable to justify the crimes of the perpetrator than to acknowledge the behavior as abuse.  


Claims of abuse are easily negated or dismissed because, “he’s a good guy” or “she’s just lying for attention.”  When the accused is too close for comfort, we don’t want to believe we misjudged their character or had the wool pulled over our eyes.  Denying the possibility of being wrong and assuming the victim was “confused” or just out for attention allows us to remain in our comfort bubble.  


The disparity between the way society treats male and female sexual abuse victims and perpetraters is remarkable.  Boys are praised for sexual conquests while girls are slut shamed.  “Boys will be boys” is still alive and well, continuing to normalize the bad behavior of men.  

One in six women in America have been a victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime (14.8% completed, 2.8% attempted). (RAINN)


Female teachers or authority figures engaging underage boys in sexual acts are excused by men saying “good for him” or “that’s every boy’s fantasy.”  This shames male victims into staying silent.  It is devastating to me that our society normalizes and praises such abuse, as if boys don’t need to be protected from female predators.   


The manner in which society not only fails to support victims, but actively attacks them, is gut-wrenchingly devastating. 


Go online and read the comments under any sexual assault case headliner. Go ahead, I’ll wait…


Behind keyboards, hatred and misogyny are spewed, splattering the internet and social media with excuses for the accused and blame for the victim.  Furthering the rape culture and placing tape across the mouths of victims, why would a victim dare came forward in the face of such hostility?  As if the shame and pain they feel from the assault were not enough, they face public crucifixion, often including their friends and family.


To give a little perspective on just how big a deal sexual assault is, every 68 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted.  Many assaults go unreported, and of those that are reported, only 25 out of every 1,000 rapists will end up in prison. (RAINN)



Despite the volume of sexual assault crimes, there remains a lack of urgency and priority to investigate rape and sexual assault cases.  Crime labs continue to be backlogged with unprocessed rape kits, many of which were stored improperly for years, now rendering them useless.  If there is no known suspect or witnesses, follow up and detective work halt and the case goes cold.  If a rapist is arrested and brought to trial, the victim is retraumatized through the arduous legal process, forced to testify or face their abuser, while the case drags on for months or years. 


Don’t get me started on the statute of limitations for these crimes, making it impossible for victims to seek justice after years of living in silence.  Because of the way the crimes are categorized and the sentencing limits are set, often these sexual criminals plead down charges and walk away with a slap on the wrist, many with no jail time at all.  Meanwhile, their victim(s) continue to serve a life sentence of PTSD, incurring the financial and emotional cost of ongoing psychotherapy and/or medication.


The needle may have moved slightly, but from where I sit, society and the justice system has a long way to go.  


So, how do we shift the culture?  As with any change, it begins with each of us.  We must challenge ourselves to question our core beliefs.  While you may not think you play a part in the culture, you may be blind to your own bias.  We are all influenced by society, and often, it happens gradually and suddenly.


When you read about a rape case, what is your immediate reaction?  


Are you outraged by the acts of the assailant?  Are you poking holes in the victim’s story?  Do you assume the victim is out for attention, money, fame?  Do you question the amount of time that has passed between the alleged assault and when it was reported?  Do you minimize the guilt of the accused by blaming intoxication or being misled by the victim?


Sometimes the beliefs and bias we have been fed by our culture are so deeply ingrained in us, we don’t even realize that we are perpetuating the problem.  Even if you feel good about how you view victims and sexual attackers or predators, you may feel uneasy about how to help if someone you know is a victim of a sexual assault.  I’ve outlined my “Do and Do Not” tips below.  Note these are my suggestions, and are not universal truths.  Every victim has unique needs, so if you are unsure how to respond or help, just ask!


I will post #metoo again, this time with a link to this blog post.  My hope and prayer is that it reaches far and wide and makes an impact.   If each reader shares these thoughts, together, we can create change! Even a tiny ripple can produce big waves. 



Tips for Supporting a Victim of Sexual Assault


DO


  1. Believe the victim.  This is so, so, so important!  A victim may have reported the assault to someone who did not believe them, or worse, blamed them.  It takes an immense amount of courage to report a sexual crime and retell the horrors of what was done to them.


  1. Listen.  When a victim is ready to share about their experience, listen.  Give your full and complete attention to them, and just listen.  This is not the time to interject your suggestions or voice your outrage.  Don’t take it personally if the victim isn’t a good friend, wife, etc.  They are in survival mode.


  1. Support.  The type or method of support a victim needs is unique to them and their situation.  Some may need you to help manage some everyday chores because they simply can’t.  While others may need regular check-ins and chats or someone to go with them to court.  Ask the victim how to best support them, and then honor that.  


  1. Respect their privacy.  Many sexual assaults happen outside of the public’s eye, and may not be reported to police for a variety of reasons.  Never share what an adult victim discloses to you, unless they have given their express consent for you to do so. (In Indiana, knowledge of child abuse must be reported.)


  1. Be a safe space.  After enduring a traumatic event, the victim needs safety.  Allow them the space to share, cry, and fall apart.  They may be stuck in the fight, flight, freeze response, and they need to feel safe in order to switch out of it.


DO NOT


  1. Do NOT blame the victim.  A rapist is a rapist is a rapist.  A rapist isn’t a rapist because someone wore something sexy or flirted or had too much to drink.  It is NEVER the victim’s fault for being sexually assaulted.  Never.


  1. Do NOT look away.  Be willing to sit in the pain with the victim.  Be brave enough to look in their eyes, see the hurt, and examine the horrific truth of what they endured.  Looking away only furthers the pain and isolation the victim feels.


  1. Do NOT pity.  There is a lot of shame that comes with being sexually assaulted.  The last thing a victim wants is to be treated like a charity case.  Offer your empathy and support, not your pity.


  1. Do NOT judge.  Don’t judge the victim.  Don’t question their behavior, how they were dressed, their safety practices, choice of partner, etc.  It is very likely that the victim has already harshly judged themselves, replaying the events leading up to the assault.  Again, it wasn’t their fault they were assaulted.


  1. Do NOT try to “fix it.”  Offering to beat up or attack the victim’s assailant is often not helpful, while the intent may be well-meaning.  You may offer to help connect them with professionals, but never push or coerce them into it.  They came to you because they trusted you, and that is a big deal! Nothing you or anyone else can do will “fix it.”


Additional resources may be found at www.rainn.org.


Sexual Assault and Harassment

Domestic and Dating Violence

Other Victims of Crime
Location: Shelbyville, IN 46176, USA

Comments

  1. AnonymousOctober 24, 2022 at 7:53 AM

    When sharing my story to a man I had dated, he ask if I was in my undies. I was a small child. This is not acceptable. Do not be the problem. Be the solution. This is a great blog and I commend the writer for her courage and commitment to getting better and helping others to do the same. Let's join together to rid the world of this very real problem.

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  2. LauraOctober 27, 2022 at 12:19 AM

    First, I commend you for writing such a vulnerable but needed post. It hurts to see our society and culture turn a blind eye, place blame and judgement on the victim. Although we’ve made some progress, we still have a long way to go to. Thank you for sharing this. I pray for you and others who have gone through this. May God give you the continued strength to share your story and make a difference in hearts and lives of others.

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